Finally back - thoughts on people who hated when I enjoyed things

Something I processed in deep reflection recently about being bullied to stop having interests and joy

First, I have no excuse for being so absent other than life happened and I sucked at time management, however, my house has like 4 new renovation projects completed now!

Anyway, why we’re here: Have you ever been close to or in a relationship with someone who was so deeply insecure and never felt they could be their authentic self and that when they encounter you doing just that by way of having an interest, liking a different genre of music, or pursuing a hobby they bullied you into not liking that and then you eventually stopped having any interests, joy, or pursuing things because you wanted to avoid the inevitable negging and shaming?

I’ll get to why this recently came up for me in a moment.

But, this hurts particularly hard when its your romantic partner. I experienced that twice. In both my previous marriages, I had partners who, at the beginning of the relationship, claimed to be atheists. This is no shade to atheists at all, as I was one for a little while myself. My first husband was also extremely politically conservative, but also harbored deeply racist and misogynist ideologies, masking his underlying insecurities.

Over time in that marriage, I went from being a free, happy, progressive woman to having to change all my views and interests to align with his, or else I would be ridiculed by him. I was young and dumb enough to think that this would create happiness in our marriage, but all it did was coddle him and his fragile views and ego and make me miserable and suppress my authentic self.

In my second marriage, it wasn’t just spirituality, it was any hobby or interest that was different from his, but that secretly, he wished he could embrace too. However, he had spent considerable time and effort convincing everyone in his life and who followed him online that he was a hard core edgy motherfucker. So when I expressed interests that did not align with what he thought was ‘cool,’ and ‘edgy’ he would neg me, make jokes about my interests, or make derisive comments.

This started with music I liked, and then became literature or fiction I read, then became how I trained in the gym, then how I wanted to re-engage with spirituality, then my career choices, and so on. And it was all the little things, like wanting to embrace things my inner child needed or to just live freely without judgement as an adult.

When I started standing up for myself and defending my wants and needs, he became hostile and lashed out. At first, I backed down, but then I figured it didn’t matter. I could live miserably or live freely, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to choose misery just because he had.

So I tell you all this to arrive at this point: a couple weeks ago I was putting my seasonal flannel sheets on my bed. I love this set and have had them for a couple years now. I remember having flannel sheets in the winter and my mom made it a big deal that they were so warm and cozy, so as an adult its partly a nostalgia thing for me. These sheets have reindeer and pine trees on them and they make me happy because they remind me of the changing seasons, and the dark winter when we get to rest and spend time inside reflecting.

Both of my marriages I would have been ridiculed for wanting to have winter-themed sheets. Or for the bat-themed sheets I have in the fall. Or for any of the other extremely witchy and spiritual things I have in my home and personal space.

And I allowed myself to cry and feel the joy of the moment of this small, special thing that means a lot to me and that I get to do because I get to choose this for myself. And all the dozens of small special things I do all day long that I get to do because I choose them for myself.

Anyone who ever makes fun of anything you like is seeing your freedom and happiness as a reflection of the cage they have placed themselves in and the misery they have chosen to accept. Instead of rejecting their cage and captivity, they make your freedom seem unappealing so they don’t have to admit they are really just miserable.

This time of the year, this reflection seems especially appropos.

When it comes to something as personal as sharing your spiritual journey and practices with another person, especially if they are not considered mainstream or are different than what that other person believes, be true to yourself first. Let your spirit shine, let yourself have joy, and let’s let people like things.